Home > Comedy > A crazy short story inspired by Woody!

A crazy short story inspired by Woody!

Time is 11.45 pm; I am waiting for the 12o clock Kovai mid night express train in a railway track near an old worn out bunglaw in Kumbakonam. I want to end my life neatly, a split second death! I murmured in the back of my head. I have been thinking about different alternatives by which i can end my life for the last few weeks. Cutting the veins of my hand by using a Gillette presto and flushing blood out of my body, hanging my neck in a table fan using my precious lungi or jumping off from the thrird floor of our animal hospital building!

Initially I thought of buying a one rupee Gillette presto blade, I was always fond of this Gillette TV ad. since my childhood days. A smart guy being hugged and kissed in his neatly shaven face by a sexy woman, sort of my dream girl and then a catchy caption “for an even closer shave…ssshhh…Gillette Presto!” But i remember seeing an old movie; before hero drips off all his blood, he was saved by his rich girlfriend and I am always scared of blood. I still remember that day when I fainted seeing the blood coming out of the chickens head, when my uncle twisted its head and killed to prepare feast for celebrating my first birth day! So I ruled out the first option.

Next option that came to my mind is to use my “Lungi/Dhothi” and hang myself in a table fan. But I have only one lungi and my cousin brother Bobby gifted this to me during last Christmas. It’s made of fine polyester from Neeli Kumbar Wire (NKW) cloth manufacturing company – Bombay. I cherished the Lungi inside my closet for 3 months before finding a big hole in lungi made by my pet rat – Rummy! exactly at the middle of lungi, I have gone wild and mad!

My pet rat Rummy has been with me for the last 6 months since I gave him shelter in my closet. I remember, that heavy rainy day of 13th September, when he knocked my door. I still remember his wet ugly face the day when he came to me pleading! Help me beloved! Help me sweetheart!  He was very scared of thunderstorms and a big snake was chasing him. I felt miserable and thought of using him for my neuroscience experiment and made a deal with him. I explained him that you will work as a subject of my neuro-science experiment and should wear a mask on your head whenever I ask you to wear, In return you can eat my old under wears in the bottom shelf of the closet, and also you can stay there till you find a new place. I was testing his brain development for the last 6 months. Do you know something? Come closer I will tell you (In a mild low voice….) “He is a very intelligent species, he plays guitar better than me…Crum croom..CrumCrum croom…Crumma croom….a very interesting three chord progression( and we are planning go to the biggest rock concert to be held in Las Vegas next year), by eating my guitars strings at night when I go to bed!” (Voice rising to normal volume again). The hole he made in my lungi is so big, I am not sure if my Lungi is strong enough to hold my weight!

The third option is to jump off from the three story government animal hospital building in our town! This is the only multi-story building availabe for a perfect suicide. A note is engraved in a tiny marble stone kept in front of the animal hospital!, “Welcome all, May Lord wishes you all so that you can see thy Almighty ASAP!”. Last year a chemistry teacher named Susanna tried to do suicide by jumping off from the third floor. A degree student in her class sent her a love letter and her husband Jossy another chemistry teacher found it inside her organic chemistry book! He started drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana, called her a slut and thrashed her. She couldn’t take it; she always loved to be with him. So she decided to end her life by jumping off from the third floor of the animal hospital. Unfortunately she didn’t die. The hospital warden seen her lying in verandah drowned in cold blood, and he took her inside the hospital to general ward. Sr. doctor Murugesh gave her an injection(recently imported from Moroco for treating cancer in Circium Vulgare aka Bull) and the next moment she turned to a pigeon and flew away from the hospital to see Lord Almighty.

Its 11.55PM already, 20minutes more for the train to reach this holy track, I prepared myself to lie down in the track! You might be thinking why I wanna kill myself? Good thought. It’s a long story….To be continued!

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Categories: Comedy
  1. R!P
    October 21, 2009 at 6:36 am

    I am rolling on the floor, laughing on reading that .. the people around here look at me .. bewildered , amused ! I wonder why .. Is laughing a taboo now ? Maybe they will ban it too ..

    Excellent piece none the less !

  2. Sulfi
    October 21, 2009 at 6:40 am

    Thanx buddy!…its a first draft…Chiru didnt call, so i didnt get sleep yesterday!!Tried to write sth with a Woody touch!

  3. kaks
    October 21, 2009 at 6:58 am

    Dude …… its not just 20 minutes. You have 12 hrs and 20 mins and it is plenty of time. You can probably have a deep sleep till then.

    ……..the explantion is too good and made me an actor of colgate ad.

  4. October 23, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    thanks kaks, updated the error!

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